


Enough

by AliFyre



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:12:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliFyre/pseuds/AliFyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Iwa-chan, what if I'm not good enough?" Oikawa asks, still staring at the ground. His voice is hollow. "What if I'm never good enough?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Now available in Russian [here!](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3984328)  
> Many thanks to [Sonya](http://blogunicornlarry.tumblr.com/) for the translation

Not good enough. 

The first time Hajime hears those words strung together, he is fourteen and Oikawa is on his hands and knees on the floor of the volleyball court. They lost to Shiratorizawa a week ago. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and his shoulders shake with stifled sobs. His fists are clenched against the wood floor, and Hajime thinks of his own balled hand, hanging useless at his side still stinging with the contact with Oikawa's jaw. They'd had this interaction before, Hajime telling Oikawa to stop working himself into the ground and Oikawa needing to be physically forced back into listening. This time, though, Hajime is out of things to yell at him. He thought the problem had been solved for the most part. Oikawa had taken it to heart that the team supported him and that he supported the team, and Hajime had thought he'd been doing better. He hadn’t melted down at the end of the tournament, and Hajime had thought things were finally going to be okay.

Really though, he should've known better. No matter how much he smiles, how much he talks about teamwork and encourages the people around him, Oikawa still carries that seed of insecurity on the inside. Hajime is stupid to have thought it would've been buried after just one breakthrough.

"Iwa-chan, what if I'm not good enough?" Oikawa asks, still staring at the ground. His voice is hollow. "What if I'm never good enough?"

The seed had been buried, Hajime realizes belatedly. And it had taken root and grown deep within Oikawa, all while Hajime had been complacent, thinking it was gone for good. He tries at first to be harsh, because it’s what he knows best. He yells at Oikawa, telling him he’s stupid to think he’s anything less than outstanding, because why the hell would someone who isn’t good win the goddamn best setter award? Doesn’t he know that the team gave him everything they could, and it wasn’t fair to think so low of himself when everyone else gave him so much trust? He shouts that Oikawa knows he’s better than this, that the team knows he’s better than this, and that Oikawa had given them the strength no one else could give them and if he wasn’t such an idiot, maybe he could see that. 

But instead of looking up at him with understanding in his eyes, Oikawa is shrinking away from him. Hajime’s voice grows quiet as Oikawa gets smaller and smaller, until Hajime is silent and Oikawa is curled in on himself, clutching his knees to his chest and breathing shallowly, his small sobs making the only sound in the empty gymnasium. Hajime stares at Oikawa, at a loss for the first time. He’d always known what to say to him, how to pull Oikawa out of the depths of his head and back to the surface where he could breathe. Now, however, the depths have grown deeper, and Hajime isn’t sure if he can reach far enough to save him. Horror settles into his stomach and despair yawns in his chest, consuming him as he realizes he cannot fix this.

Defeated, Hajime falls to his knees beside Oikawa, the dull sound of his flesh hitting the hard wood reverberating with a finality that is not lost on him. The gavel has fallen, judging them both harshly. Oikawa, now beyond fixing, Hajime, sentenced to the knowledge that he’d been unable to stop it.

Hajime isn’t sure when he starts crying, or how long he kneels there next to Oikawa, impossibly unsure of what to do next. He wants to reach out to his friend, but the ghost of the impact of his fist with Oikawa’s jaw haunts him as he thinks of how Oikawa flinched away from him, crying and broken on the floor. So he waits, holding himself inches away from Oikawa hoping that the other knows that he’s there, if only he wants him.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whispers after what seems like forever. Hajime stiffens, afraid of what will come next, but remains silent. He can’t push Oikawa now, not when he’s this close to the edge. “ _Hajime_.” Oikawa’s voice is more urgent now, and Hajime turns to look at him. Oikawa has finally lifted his head, his brown eyes peering up at Hajime with such vulnerability and sorrow that Hajime wants to look away just to spare Oikawa’s pride. But now was not the time for things like that, so he looked back and hoped his face could convey what his words could not. 

“Do you ever get scared, Hajime?” Oikawa asks after several moments of silence, his voice cracking on the penultimate word. Hajime considers the weight deep in his chest that he’d felt when he had walked into the gym to find Oikawa slamming serve after serve into the ground, tears streaming down his face and his bad knee wobbling dangerously as he landed. He thinks about the horror that had settled in his gut as he realized Oikawa was getting smaller as he yelled. He thinks about the crushing sense of failure he’s feeling right now, having let down his best friend. He’ll never understand Oikawa’s fears, he knows, but _oh_ does he know what fear feels like.

“Yes,” Hajime breaths. Oikawa falls forward then, allowing his body to slump against Hajime’s and wrapping his arms around Hajime’s waist. Hajime can feel Oikawa sobbing against him, and there’s wet spots in his shirt where Oikawa’s tears are soaking through the fabric. Oikawa’s fingers claw at his back as if they’re searching for something, anything to anchor themselves to, and Hajime gently reaches up and pries them away. After a moment’s hesitation, he tangles their fingers together and brings their hands to his chest, pressing them to his heart. Somewhere along the line Hajime has begun to cry in earnest, his body quaking almost as much as Oikawa’s as he fights to keep himself under control. 

“I’m sorry, Tooru.” Hajime cries into Oikawa’s hair, dropping one of Oikawa’s hands to wrap an arm around him and cradle him against his chest. He hopes that this gentleness can convey to Oikawa what his roughness could not, that Oikawa was valued and cherished and the furthest thing from “not good enough” that he could possibly think of. But Hajime knows it doesn’t work that way, that he can’t fix Oikawa with just a hug and an apology for things he can’t possibly understand, no matter how much he wants to. All he can do right now is support him and hope that, for now, simple support is enough to get them through to better days when maybe, just maybe, they can be okay.  

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for this, I have a tendency to write out my problems and Oikawa's adequacy issues resonate with me like nothing else. 
> 
> I might write some more of this, since I do want to write some from Oikawa's POV and also have Oikawa come to terms with himself over time. We'll see. 
> 
> Talk hq!! to me on tumblr @bisexual-bokuto


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